It's funny how often I see the themes that are coming up in my life also come up in my artworks. I've been exploring patterns and habits in order to figure out how to get myself unstuck, and now I see the same mark making popping up over again in my artworks. They say that we keep repeating the same patterns until we find a way to break them. Of course, breaking the pattern requires figuring out what exactly the pattern is.
The easiest place for me to see patterns taking shape is through my relationships. In my last serious relationship, my partner was not fully invested. He was one foot in, one foot out the whole time. And this would ebb and flow, sometimes he would be more on one foot than the other. After the relationship ended, this realisation gave me a lot of anger. Why did I let myself be in a relationship with someone who wasn't fully committed? Why didn't I ever question it? Why did I just let this relationship happen to me, why was I so passive?
The simple answer is that I wasn't fully committed either, because I didn't truly see my partner.
Sometimes you see someone's light so brightly that you don't listen when they tell you who they are. I knew that he wasn't ready to stand beside me, but all I saw was his potential. I could see that he had a capacity for greatness, and I thought that if I just waited until he did his soul work then he would be the ideal partner for me. And at the time I very arrogantly believed that I had already done all of my soul work. Instead of being his partner, I was waiting for him to become the person that could match me. Don't get me wrong, I really did love who he was with all of my heart, but I wanted to be with the man I thought he would eventually become.
Sometimes we don't listen when people tell us who they are.
I can see the passiveness in all of the romantic entanglements that I've gotten into this year as well. There was a brief one that I sought out myself, and that was temporary but lovely. The rest have just unintentionally tumbled into my lap. I've been taking a very casual, play the field kind of approach to dating, and while it's healthy and normal to see what's out there, I think I've been using this "wild and free" attitude as an excuse to continue to be passive in my relationships. Because relationships take work, and I don't want to put in the work unless it's going to be so fucking great.
I don't want passive love.
I want all or nothing, knock your socks off kind of love.
And I plan to show up for it when it arrives. It's time to break the pattern.